In Due Time
by SadieGrace
Summary: Sometimes in a love story the road to the happy ending is a long one. Picks up after "Three Hearts" and goes from there. Kensi/Deeks
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: The emotional starting point of this story is right after the end of "Three Hearts," which I felt mixed up everything quite thoroughly and put some really interesting emotionally possibilities out there. Deeks has just given Kensi back her Dad's knife and symbolically put an end to their "Thing." It would probably be considered AU after that, though I make no real mention of anything that happens in the time period between "Three Hearts" and "Deep Trouble, pt 1," and the beginning is only loosely set in the current timeframe of the show. _

_I don't own anything related to NCIS:LA._

* * *

"_Only our love hath no decay;_

_This, no tomorrow hath, nor yesterday,_

_Running it never runs from us away,_

_But truly keeps his first, last, everlasting day."_

_-John Donne_

Months pass.

She decides it's her turn to be patient, and she is. It's not easy but, surprisingly, it's not as difficult as she expected either. It makes her realize that loving him has been just a natural extension of _liking_ him. What she feels now and what she wants now are so much bigger than what she wanted with him before but, in reality, their relationship really has resembled a dating relationship for a long time. She still spends the majority of her free time with him even after he steps away from her emotionally, though now it leaves a dull ache perpetually in her heart when separate. She realizes that it's his turn to take some time to sort things out in his heart and mind before he's ready to move ahead again. It probably helps that they never actually went on a real date, but still, going back to un-dating isn't quite as hard as she was prepared for it to be.

At first.

But then more months pass, and he makes no move to put them back on the path to more-than-friends. He goes on being her partner and her friend and he seems so content with that that after months of patience she gets confused. She tries to make it obvious, tries to let him know in as many ways as she can without pressuring him that she's ready when he is, that she'll wait for him. It may be the first time in her life that she keeps to subtle hints and gentle prodding instead of going ahead full-bore and charging at her target.

He never seems to get the hint.

* * *

He spends those months sorting through the tangled web of emotions and fears and failures in his own mind and convincing himself that staying just friends is better for both of them.

A year after he gives her back her dad's knife, diplomatic relations between NCIS and LAPD break down under stress from Hetty's unorthodox leadership and City police demands, and the liaison position is terminated despite Hetty's best efforts. It's at that point that he realizes that things have changed.

NCIS is his home now. Four years after locking them in his drawer that first time, he finally signs the papers to become an NCIS agent.

It's the act of signing those papers that finally convinces him that there are some things that are never going to change. It's taken a year for him to realize that when it comes to Kensi, nothing has changed for him. No matter what he's done, he can't remove her from his heart. He can keep himself apart from her as long as he wants. He can pretend they're just friends. He can drink beer and laugh and joke with her like he's never seen that soft, loving light in her eyes, never held her close to him. But, in the end, it's all just pretending, because she's still the one thing that could destroy him, the one thing that could make him give up everything else he loves and believes in. She's the one thing that can make him lose control.

He thought he could backtrack and undo it all. Stop loving her and remove that weakness.

It doesn't work that way.

Even if she's not in his arms, she's still got a hold on his heart like nothing else ever will. She's still the one he'd lose himself for.

He hands the papers to Hetty and admits defeat. He's not going to stop wanting her, and being apart is just hurting both of them. If he can't keep them safe by staying away from her, at least he can keep them happy by letting them be together.

But, when he goes to find her, she's chatting with Nell up in Ops. They're clearly not talking about the case, they're giggling and smiling, and Kensi says something he can't hear. He's still out of their line of vision, but he's close enough to hear Nell's statement:

"C'mon Kensi, you've been out with this guy four times now, surely you know enough about him to know whether you might like him or not."

He doesn't stick around to hear Kensi's answer—the cautiously genuine smile on her face is enough. Kensi doesn't do second dates. Kensi hasn't even done first dates in almost two years. But now she's been on four with this new guy, and she's smiling about it. She looks happy. She's got a real smile on her face as she laughs and rolls her eyes at Nell.

That's enough for him.

He's been afraid all this time that his love for her could cost him his honor. So, now he does what he figures the honorable thing is: he bows out silently. She's got a chance at moving on, at something simpler and easier and safer.

He's not dense. He knows that she's been waiting for him. He's caught the hints and silent looks. He knows that he's been hurting her by his distance. Though he wouldn't admit it, even to himself, he's been silently waiting for her to give up, convinced that if she moved on, then he could to.

He was so very wrong.

But, he can still give her the chance to move on, to be with someone less broken.

* * *

Hetty slides another paper toward him that afternoon before he leaves for home. It's an official request for permanent assignment to the NCIS: LA field office after he completes FLETC and the NCIS classes. Her signature is already on the line marked "approved." Even Granger's stamp of approval is on it.

He stares at it for a minute, and then gives one determined nod.

He pushes the paper back toward her, unsigned.

"Thanks Hetty, but maybe it's time for something new."

It doesn't make sense, really. This team is what made him decide to finally become an agent in the first place, and he's just all but requested to be removed from it.

But, as he stares at the paper, he knows with sudden clarity that it has to be done. She needs to move on. He needs to go. He could go back to LAPD, but she is his gravity, and he knows that as long as he is within her field of pull, it'll be impossible to stay away from her. If either of them are going to have a chance of moving on, he has to be away from her.

He doesn't tell her before he goes. He doesn't tell any of them. There is the expected going away party, but it's jovial and happy. They think he's going to be back in a couple of months, officially one of them at long last. There is beer and laughter and teasing and he tries not to spoil it. This is how he would rather have it end; this is how he wants to remember them.

Hetty is the only one who is solemn as she says goodbye. To the others, it looks like she is just admonishing him to do well and work hard, but he sees her silent statement that _it's not too late_.

But it is.

Nell kisses his cheek and disappears into his arms. She looks at him like she can tell that something's not quite right, but she hasn't figured out what it is.

Eric, oblivious, taps his fist and heads off into the night.

Sam gives him a smile and a bear hug and ruffles his hair. He calls him _Agent Deeks_ and tells him goodnight.

Callen gives him a bro hug, more subdued than Sam's, slaps his back and tells him he'll see him in a few weeks.

Then Kensi is in his arms. She keeps her voice light, tells him to be careful and to not annoy people and to kick some butt. They linger there, both unwilling to let go. She's trying to remind him with the press of her body what they should be, what they could be, what they both want. He's trying to memorize the feel of her in his arms, knowing that this could well be the last time it ever happens. She knows by the look in his eyes when she draws back that she's failed. If anything, the reserve in him is even deeper now.

They say goodbye without any further contact.

* * *

They speak frequently on the phone and via text while he's at FLETC. It's light and normal and there's no mention of _them _or _him _or anything that could break him.

He wants to ask her about _him_. He assumes by now there's been a fifth and sixth and seventh date, but she never mentions it.

She's chatting aimlessly one night near the end of his training about this new food truck that's moved in near the Mission and how she already knows what his favorite is going to be, but she's not telling him what it is because she wants to wait until he gets back and tries it so that she knows she's right and her opinion doesn't influence his decision.

He waits until she's done and then says quietly,

"Kensi."

She knows by the tone of his voice that she's not going to like whatever is coming next. She tries to put it off by teasing him some more, changing the subject, skirting around it with an Eric story. It doesn't work.

"Kens, we got our work assignments today."

She is silent on the other end of the line.

"I got New York, Kensi."

That phone call is the last one.

She hangs up angry. She's angry at Hetty for not bringing him home, angry at him for his easy acceptance of the situation, angry at herself for not being enough to keep him there. She's been to FLETC. She knows that he would have had the chance to request his preferred assignment. She knows Hetty has enough pull to bring him back to LA if she wanted to. One or both of them chose not to.

She only gets angrier when Hetty confirms that she was right. The fact is that he chose to leave, and Hetty chose to honor his decision.

* * *

After training, he's back in LA for four days to pack up his life, say his goodbyes, and pick up Monty. He leaves her one voicemail to let her know what time his flight will be arriving and how long he will be in town. He's desperately hoping she'll show up at the airport, even if it's only to yell at him. She's not there.

He gets a cab to his house, meets the moving company to oversee the packing, makes his rounds to his old haunts and a few old friends. He surfs for hours every day, sometimes with Eric. No matter how hard he tries to focus, he ends up subconsciously snapping to attention every time he sees a brunette on the beach.

It's never her.

Hetty is the easiest to say goodbye to. He doesn't have to explain anything and he's not surprising her. She still gives him the talk about where his home is, about facing up to our challenges, and about how we never know what is best for any other person, but he's prepared himself for all that and he ducks inside himself and lets it roll off his back.

The Hanna house is next, he wants to get it over and done with. He says goodbye to Sam, hugs Michelle and the kids, spouts some BS about great opportunities and expanding his horizons. All he accomplishes is making Sam mad.

Callen is quieter; Deeks gets the sense that he has a pretty good idea what's going on, but he refuses to step into it. For all their skill in the field, neither of them are good with words when things are personal. He says goodbye gravely but fondly, invites Deeks into his sparsely furnished home for one last beer and they drink it silently.

He says goodbye to Eric the last morning on the beach, both unable to say what really needs to be said.

He regretfully skips the stop to see Nell. He knows she'll be the only one with the guts to call him out. She'll yell at him and tell him that it's wrong for him to do this to Kensi, to himself. She'll use Kensi against him. She's the only one of them who has a chance of changing his mind, so he drops a note in the mail for her instead.

It takes him three minutes and forty-seven seconds of standing outside Kensi's door to work up the courage to knock. Techno music and the soft sounds of movement are filtering through the closed door, and her car is in the drive so she has to be home.

He waits for an hour, knocking every so often, but she never opens the door. Finally, he sags against it. He leans his head against the door for a few minutes, steeling himself and finally getting the words out.

"Goodbye, Kens."

* * *

Kensi sits on "her end" of the couch just inside the door for the longest hour of her life. Every time he knocks, her hands clench in the pillow until her knuckles turn white. She's dying to open the door, but she just can't. She's still so angry and so confused. She's been making plans for this weekend for months, since before he even left for training. It was going to be his homecoming weekend, fun and special and all about him, and maybe it was supposed to draw them back together again. All those plans came crashing down when she heard _New York_. Instead, she's spent it on her living room couch, waiting for and dreading this moment. She knows from the tone of his message and from the reports she's gotten from the others that his mind is made up. He's not here to make amends. He's not here to tell her he's changed his mind about New York or about her.

Clearly, he's here to say goodbye, and eventually he does even though she never opens the door for him.

"_Goodbye, Kens."_

She cries for the first time in a year when the words come through the door. She sits there staring at the blank TV screen with silent, shuddering tears streaming down her face until the light fades and dies and she's exhausted enough to fall asleep on the couch, fully clothed.

He waits until the very last second to go through security at the airport, and then he waits again at the gate, hoping against hope that she'll change her mind and show up. In the next breath he prays that she won't. If she comes he's afraid he won't have the strength to leave her again. It takes all the resolve that he has left to step onto the plane, and he's sure he'd crumble if he touched her one more time. They close the doors right behind him, removing the last chance for him to change his mind.

He's moving to New York.

* * *

_A/N:_

_This is most certainly not the end._

_This will probably be 3-5 chapters total, most of which are already written and just waiting for finishing touches and edits. _

_This is not how I want the show to turn out, nor how I expect it to happen; I'm still trying to figure out where on earth this story came from in the first place. I don't even remember it forming in my brain before I started typing. Still, with their histories, insecurities, communication issues, and recent traumas, I felt like this storyline was just a little too possible for comfort. _

_I know nothing about FLETC, or how training would go, or protocols for assignments, so I just made it up the way it works best for the story._


	2. Chapter 2

"_There's a danger in loving somebody too much,  
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.  
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.  
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough."_

_-Travis Tritt, "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough"_

* * *

When she withdraws from the world this time, it's different. This time, it's not fear that drives her into herself, it's resignation. The walls are not as high as they were before—she's learned the value and importance of friendships—but they're thicker at the base and the odds of anyone else getting past them are slim.

She has had two chances at love and they both failed. This time, she simply chooses to be alone; love is clearly not meant for her.

She thinks he's the only one of them that has really left willingly, and that somehow makes the old wounds fainter and the new one deeper by comparison. Her father and Dom had been taken by violence, against their wills. They had chosen their lives, but not their deaths. When Jack left her, he hadn't really been himself. She knows that the man who had left her wasn't really the man who had loved her, and somehow that's easier than if he had been fully himself when he chose to go.

But Deeks, Deeks just left. No mental illness, no violent extraction. One day, he was just gone. No notice, no real explanation of why everything had changed, no real goodbye.

Too many people have left, and she is tired of losing the people that are important to her. She's invested herself too many times and lost, so she keeps the circle of important people small, doesn't let anyone new into it.

She heals again, but she heals harder. The Kensi that emerges is more serious again, thicker skinned. It's harder to see through the mask, and the only ones allowed underneath the calluses she's built are the ones who were already there.

For the first year, a small piece of her keeps hoping that he's going to change his mind, that he'll miss her and his ocean and his team too much, and he'll come home. She's angry and she's stubborn and she's hurt, but even though she imagines yelling at him when he comes home, all the scenarios still end in her taking him back. He taught her to believe in happily-ever-after, and it takes a while for that belief to die again.

-o-0-o-

Nell shows up on the one year anniversary with an armload of alcohol. When Kensi wakes up in the morning with a pounding head and very little recollection of the night before, she finds Nell asleep on the couch and a lot of empty bottles and used tissues on the coffee table. Nell wakes and hugs her goodbye, and that gentle, sympathetic look in her eyes tells Kensi that she probably shared a lot more than she meant to while she was inebriated.

After Nell leaves, she wanders into the kitchen to make coffee and find the Advil and she finds a sticky note on the coffee maker:

"Maybe you should call him?"

Underneath the note is a photo she has never seen before. He's sitting on the edge of her desk, looking down at her. His look is half amused and half adoring, and she swears she never actually looked that smitten when she was rolling her eyes at him.

She has to bite down the wave of ache that threatens to overwhelm her, and she slaps the photo down on the counter, face down. With a deep breath, shoulders ramrod straight, she crumples the note and throws it in the trash. That man is gone. That man was gone long before he moved to the other end of the continent. Something in her whispers a reminder that she had thought she caught him looking at her like that more than once in the year before he left, but she stubbornly forces that memory away. Maybe he had, maybe he hadn't. Neither answer changes the fact that he hadn't _wanted _to feel that way about her any more.

Regardless, she can't quite bring herself to crumple the photo and send it to join Nell's note in the trash, so she tucks it in the back of one of the bottom drawers in the kitchen, underneath a pile of utensils that she doesn't even know how to use. The odds of her ever seeing it again are slim.

She takes another steadying breath and keeps on with her morning routine.

For the first time in two years, she finally acknowledges that the man in the picture is not coming back.

* * *

He spends three and a half years in New York. It's a whole different world than anything he has ever known. It's almost culture shock for a while. He loves Broadway. He loves the symphony. He loves Little Italy but avoids Chinatown. He misses the Pacific, but there is something strangely compelling about the Atlantic, too. The water is too cold and too calm to really surf most of the time, but he throws himself into his work and doesn't have much time for that anyway.

The first vacation his boss forces him to take, he briefly entertains the idea of flying back to LA, finding out if she really has moved on. He quickly buries the thought at the bottom of his list of "Very Bad Ideas." If she has, he doesn't want to meet this man, doesn't want to know anything about him. If she hasn't, he doesn't want to face her and see the pain he's caused, doesn't want to make it harder on both of them. By now, she hates him, and as clearly as he knows that he wasn't good for her before, he knows even more that he's definitely no good for her now, after all he's put her through.

He goes to Norway instead.

Three years into his time in New York, Monty dies. With his old friend gone, he feels more and more restless and the city is less and less interesting. Four months later, he's offered a position overseas; he accepts almost instantly.

He bounces across Europe and Asia for the next five years. He sees Hetty occasionally on the big screen at work for intra-agency discussions, and one day he opens his computer to discover that someone has hacked into it—the background is a picture of Eric in a bowtie, dress shirt, and shorts and Nell in a white summer dress. A message pops up:

"Just eloped. Mrs. Beale says hello. Surfing in Hawaii for our honeymoon!"

He sends a card and a gift with his best wishes for his old friends.

He's up to his eyeballs in a case in Seoul when Callen is killed in the line of duty—for real this time. He doesn't even get the message until after the funeral. He sees Sam six months later at a training conference, and the big man's eyes tell him that you never really get over losing a partner. Sam took the first opportunity that came up to transfer to a training position. He's teaching hand-to-hand combat and tradecraft and a host of other things. He tells Deeks that he's just not getting any younger and isn't up to adjusting to another partner. He's creeping into his mid-fifties, and at least training guarantees that he'll get home to his family at a reasonable hour most nights. The adrenaline rush isn't the same, but he gets to know that he's equipping a new generation of heroes to be prepared to save the world all over again. It's different, but it's good.

* * *

It's been nine years, nearly to the day, when he steps into the Los Angeles Office of Special Projects again. He's forty-six years old. Hetty's there, about to turn eighty, watching over her flock for a few hours longer. He's back in LA for her final retirement party—the note had been worded as an invitation, but he knew declining wasn't really an option.

OSP has long since moved to a different building, and then another, but he's been through enough NCIS offices in the past nine years to know his way around instinctively. Sam's in San Diego now, and Eric has his own office, designing protocols and software systems for the para-military agencies. Hetty has a new protégé since Nell stepped back with the birth of Baby Beale #1. "Priorities change" she had told Deeks in his annual birthday card from the Beale family—this one covered in tiny footprints. She works as a contractor and trainer for the west coast field offices while raising freakishly intelligent Baby Beale #1 and Baby Beale #2.

He finds Kensi in the back corner of the offices, in the midst of a cluster of desks not unlike the ones they'd sat in nine years earlier. He stays in the shadows for a few minutes. She's team leader now for the west coast's most elite team, but she looks the same to him. There are a few more wrinkles around her eyes and mouth, the shape of her body is a little softer, but she's still the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

He doesn't know anything about her anymore, really. He's heard a bit of her professional progress through the work grapevine, but that's it. He worked up the courage once to ask Nell about her when he called them to congratulate them on the birth of #2, but her voice had turned cold.

"Why don't you come home and find out for yourself." Leaving Kensi is the only thing she hasn't forgiven him for.

He stands watching her as she finishes filling out her forms for the day and stands and stretches. That deep, empty, longing in the pit of his stomach builds to full strength. It's been with him so long that it seems like it must have always been there; he barely acknowledges it most days. It only gets bad when he lets himself dwell on the silence of his empty apartment or the empty years ahead. The ache eases a little and then hurts worse for several days after he pulls out that one remaining picture from its worn book hiding place. He only does it on the really bad days now, the cases that get under his skin and he can't get out, days when the need for the memory of something good outweighs the price he will pay for those moments of peace in the days that follow. The days that follow are always bad days. The old sore has been rubbed raw again but he won't allow himself the solace of those memories more than once in a blue moon, so he runs himself ragged for a few days, a week, until he's so tired he can't think and it can heal over again. His teammates think it's just his way of dealing with stressful cases.

They have never heard him say her name.

"Time to call it a night; we'll get back to it tomorrow," she says as she rises and stretches and checks her watch. "Go home and get some rest. Cap'll be waiting for me." Her team mumbles their approval and begins the process of shutting down their work stations and collecting their things.

A knot forms in his stomach as she, too, rises and begins to gather her things.

Who is Cap? Husband? Boyfriend? Child? She's not wearing a ring, but she never did like wearing jewelry to work.

She turns and stills as she finally sees him. They stare at each other for a long minute, trying to read each other, but they've both gotten better at hiding over the last decade and they reveal little. Her eyes are a little colder than he remembers. New walls are up, not quite as tall as the old ones, but thicker, fortifying and replacing the old ones.

There are no hellos, just as there were no real goodbyes.

Finally, she speaks:

"I have beer."


	3. Chapter 3

_"When I lose my way, find me._

_When I loose love's chains, bind me._

_At the end of all my faith to the end of all my days_

_When I forget my name, remind me."_

_Andrew Peterson, "Dancing in the Minefields"_

* * *

When she steps through her front door, she's immediately surrounded by a ball of white fur. It looks like an enormous kitten the way it's winding around her and leaning into her legs, but he's pretty sure it must weigh as much as about a dozen cats.

He takes one step over the threshold and suddenly the overgrown kitten turns into a snarling beast. He's spent enough time around police dogs to recognize the sleek lines and bright, intelligent eyes of a German Shepherd, but the color—and the snarl—throw him off for a minute. His long body is white with touches of a creamy buff color around his ears and down the raised hackles at the ridge of his back. His eyes are fierce, snapping brown.

"Cap!" Kensi says firmly, "it's okay. That's enough. Deeks is a friend."

As she speaks, she places a hand on his arm to show the dog that Deeks isn't a threat, and he feels as if his whole body is trying to curl into that three-square-inch piece of skin that she's touching. But then she quickly, awkwardly, removes her hand and steps back again.

The dog stops snarling and whines a little as he lays down on her feet and puts his head on his paws, eyes still watching Deeks' every move.

"This is Cap," she tells Deeks. "Sorry, he's a little protective and he doesn't really like men."

The name-"Cap"—is for her father's rank when he died, Captain, and maybe just a little bit for Leonardo diCaprio, but definitely not all for a Capricorn, the unicorn's inbred cousin, Leo's unlikely other half.

"He needs a walk, help yourself to a drink from the fridge, we'll just be a few minutes." She shows him where the kitchen, bathroom, and remote are, and then leaves him on his own. He wants to offer to go with them, but he senses that she needs a few minutes to gather her thoughts so he lets them go. The empty ache is back as soon as she shuts the door behind her, the same one that has been his companion for a decade now.

From the time he got the invitation and knew without a doubt that he'd be seeing her again, he's been trying to figure out what exactly he was going to say and feel. He hasn't gotten very far because he feels like he's had to think of options for a dozen different scenarios, everything ranging from her still being angry and refusing to speak to him at all, to her being happily married with 2.5 kids and completely forgetting him. Still, at least he's had that chance to gather his thoughts and make some decisions about what he wants to do. He's pretty sure she was struck a little more off-guard by it. She would have known that he would probably be there, but he didn't show up for Callen's funeral, after all, and even if he did come she had no way of knowing if he'd show up days before and want to talk or if he'd fly in just for the party and leave again immediately.

He's had six weeks to sort his brain out, and he still hadn't come to any real conclusions by the time he walked into OSP. Not until he'd seen her turn to him and known that there was no way he could leave again if he had any other option.

She's had less than an hour to process what is going on, so he figures he can give her these few minutes alone to collect herself.

* * *

She's back in thirteen minutes—he's been counting—and Cap sounds the alert again as he enters the house and discovers the stranger still there.

"Enough, Cap," she tells him, and then there is an awkward silence.

"How long, uh, how long have you lived here?" He asks, mostly to interrupt the quiet.

She tips her head to the side a little, thinking. "Eight years? When OSP moved the first time, this was more convenient. Plus, it's closer to my mom, and she takes Cap when I have to be gone."

What she doesn't tell him is that one day a year after he'd left, she'd opened the door to her old house at the end of the day and realized that he wasn't coming back. After that, it hadn't taken long for her to decide that if she wasn't going to be coming home _with _him or _to_ him, then she didn't want to come home to his ghost in his spot on the couch or in front of the kitchen stove every night. So, she moved, bought a new house, a new couch, and a new companion.

"There's a little Indian buffet around the corner that's pretty good, if you want to get something to eat?"

The invitation for a beer had been out of her mouth before her brain caught up with what was happening. She'd brought him back with her thinking that whatever conversation they were going to have was probably one they should have in private, but now that they're there she feels claustrophobic. She wants answers, wants an explanation for this decade of silence, but she wonders if that's really a good idea, if going back and talking about any of it can really help anything or if they should just leave well enough alone and keep on as they have been. The walk with Cap had only begun to calm her racing thoughts and she needs the distance of a public place to sort out what she really wants.

Plus, the cynical, practical, half of her brain is telling her that if he's just going to leave again after Hetty's party, she doesn't want him in her house long enough to develop "his spot" on the new couch.

She doesn't like buying new furniture just to get rid of old memories.

* * *

It's a short walk to the restaurant on the next street. They pass a Chinese place on the way, and he wonders if she still avoids them the way he does. She certainly was never excited about Indian before. They did Thai, pizza, burgers, and Chinese on a regular basis, and he still avoids them all when he has a choice. The silence is awkward in a way it never used to be, and despite his preparation he suddenly can't think of anything meaningful to talk about, so he tells her about Monty and asks her about Cap and she speaks easily about him, relieved.

He's a white German Shepherd, a rare color for the breed, but not unheard of. He's a rescue dog-abused and abandoned by wanna-be dog showers when they discovered that his unusual color was considered a defect and made him un-showable. He was eight months old when she got him from the rescue shelter, neglected but still not ill-tempered from his treatment. She doesn't know much more than that about his background, but he still has problems with men, though she's not sure if that's a result of the mistreatment or just the Shepherd's natural protectiveness of his mistress.

"He's good company," she says finally, "my best friend."

Dinner is a little stilted, and the conversation never meanders beyond catching up on basic details their lives since he was last in LA.

It's not until the walk home that he finally works up the nerve to ask, "you, uh, you never got married?"

"No."

Her answer is short and she doesn't explain.

"Why not?" He blurts out before he has the chance to filter the question.

"You didn't want me, and I didn't want anyone else." She's surprised and embarrassed at her own honestly, but they've both been carefully filtering their conversation all evening, and her brain is just tired of stopping to rethink everything she starts to say.

"Kensi," his voice is rough, ragged, "there hasn't been a day of the last decade that I didn't _want_ you, but you—you had a chance at something better, and I had to let you have that chance."

"Something better?" She rounds on him, angry now, "why do you get to decide what's best for me? See, I thought it would have been _better_ to have what I _wanted, _but instead I ended up with _nothing_, because apparently that was _better_ than what I wanted."

He hangs his head: "I'm sorry Kens. It took so long to get my head sorted out. There were so many things going on in there that I just knew that if we tried to make something work right then that I'd end up ruining it and probably hurting you and a lot of other people in the process.

"Angelo messed with my head so bad, not just what he said, but what he did. He gave up everything he believed and fought for, he was willing to betray innocent people for this woman. And I knew if there was one thing that could make me do that, it would be you. If I was asked to choose between your safety and the safety of a thousand other people, I didn't know if I could make that decision. I'd already done things I never thought I would do to get you back. I needed to figure out how to love you in a way that wasn't destructive, that wouldn't compromise who we were and what we believed in."

"I was waiting. You _knew _that. For once in my life, Deeks, I was being patient. But it took you _ten years_ to figure it all out?"

"No," he conceded quietly. "But one day, after I signed the NCIS paperwork, it hit me that whether we were together or not, you were always going to be the one that I'd give up everything for, and I thought we could figure out the rest of it together. I went to find you, to tell you that, and you were there, talking to Nell about some guy that you'd been going out with and you were smiling like you were happy, and I knew that you were finally starting to move on. You deserved a chance to be with someone less broken, Kensi. And I knew that to really give you that chance, I needed to not be around. For both of our sakes."

"What? I never dated anyone after you broke up with me Deeks, not for _years." _ She's too angry to admit that she's _never_ actually gone out with anyone long enough to call it "dating" since he left. He doesn't need to know that.

"But Nell said that you'd been out with him four times, and you were smiling Kensi. Smiling like you really meant it."

Furrowing her brow at him, Kensi searches the recesses of her memory for what he could possibly referring to. She remembers the conversation only because it had been interrupted when they were called down to hear that Deeks would soon be joining NCIS officially and because it was the last time Nell had tried to pull off 'I-don't-have-a-crush-on-Eric" before she finally gave in and acknowledged it.

"Nell? Nell said I'd been going out with him? Deeks, I don't even remember his name. I was smiling because Nell is my friend and she was being ridiculous and trying to cheer me up. If she said we'd been out four times, she was being generous with the definition of _date. _ Date #1 would have been the night that he and his friend hit on me and Nell at the club, and we let them buy us a drink because we were already a little bit drunk. Date #2 would have been the next night when Nell convinced me to go on a double date with them because she was trying to convince herself that she wasn't already crazy about Eric. Date #3 was like a week later when I happened to run into him at the coffee shop and he insisted on buying my coffee. I don't even remember what Date #4 would have been. You're telling me you disappeared for nine years because you heard _one _exaggerated comment about me dating someone else?"

"No. And Yes. Yes, that was the trigger, but really it just gave me a glimpse of what you could have with someone who wasn't me, Kensi. Someone who didn't bring all my issues to the relationship, someone who wouldn't get freaked out and endanger you or himself or the entire country."

She stares at him incredulously. "And what a about what I wanted, Deeks? Did you stop to think about that? What if what I wanted was exactly what we had, not just something _easy_? When did you ever know me to give up on something just because it was hard?"

"I know you're angry, Kensi, but I made the decision I felt like I had to make at the time. I can't go back and change that now."

He doesn't say that he _would _go back and change it if he could, and that only makes her angry again because it hurts again. Given the choice, he probably still wouldn't choose her.

By now, they're standing on her front steps, him on the bottom step and her on the top.

"Maybe you're right, Deeks. Maybe it was the right choice. You've clearly got a good life now, you're good at what you do, you get to see the world. I've got my life here, I've got one of the best teams in NCIS, and I've got Cap. Maybe we should just let it go and go back to living our lives."

She turns away from him and unlocks the door, prepared to put an end to this conversation.

"You deserve more than just a dog, Kensi," he says quietly.

She freezes and her spine goes rigid. This whole thing started with him deciding what she deserved.

"Cap and I are just fine on our own," she tells him coldly, hand on the doorknob. "Goodbye, Deeks."

She closes the door in his face.

* * *

_A/N: This is now officially the longest fanfic I have written. __Thanks so much for your reviews- they make me want to get the next chapters done and posted. _

_I had every intention of ending this chapter on a happier note, but it just wanted to end here. The happier note is coming, I promise. It's uphill from here. _

_A couple of you have commented on the nine year gap: i__t seems like a long time to me, too, but __once in a while there's an element of a story that writes itself, and when I go back and try to change it, I sometimes just can't do it. This was one of those things. _


	4. Chapter 4

"_Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time." _

_Maya Angelou_

* * *

He hates that she's angry at him when he leaves that night, but he knows that they shouldn't try to deal with everything all at once. He has no intention of letting this be the last time he sees her. He gave up too easily last time and they've both been paying for it for a decade. He doesn't plan to make that mistake again.

-o-0-o-

Kensi finds him on her doorstep late the next morning when Cap starts growling as she's making her coffee. The growl is followed by a knock on the door. When she opens it, he's there with coffee, donuts, and two beach towels held under his arm.

"Come to the beach with me?"

She stares at him for a minute, but Cap knows the word _beach _and is ready to go before Kensi can decide what she wants to do. She gives in and follows her dog's lead. Her anger has died down some overnight, and she's more inclined to listen to him again. It would be nice to have some closure, some freedom from the questions that have plagued her since he left. Maybe this weekend can provide that and she can finally, once and for all, move on.

She sends Cap in search of his ball, quickly pulls her hair into a ponytail, and swaps her sweats for a bathing suit and soft jersey dress.

He goes a little wide-eyed when she comes out in a dress, and she remembers self-consciously that she's older than she used to be. It makes her irritated and she bites out, "I'm not twenty-five anymore, Deeks."

Surprised, he shakes his head. "You're beautiful, Kensi. That's all."

She softens and tries to keep her heart from racing at his compliment, but she still can't quite control it.

It's a short drive to his beach of choice, and they don't talk much as they lay their towels in the sand and Deeks rents his board and wetsuit. She tells Deeks funny anecdotes from Cap's first trips to the beach and his first impressions of the sand and her attempts to teach him to swim in lieu of having to talk about anything serious.

"He likes the water now, but he still has to ease into it every time," she tells him, ruffling the dog's fur as he gazes up at her.

When Deeks goes to carry his board to the water, Cap looks after him as if debating whether or not to follow before he sits down beside Kensi and starts sniffing through her bag, looking for his ball.

The most recent move to Spain has been his first assignment near surf-able water in too many years, and he's still only just getting his legs back under him. He takes some embarrassing spills in the beginning, but after a while, watching Kensi sitting on the beach as he rides a wave in, he can almost imagine that the last ten years were just a dream and nothing has really changed, but the dog is big and white instead of small and grey, and he doesn't remember his body protesting this much to the exertion ten years ago.

He surfs until it's time for lunch and then buys them lunch at the truck Kensi says is the best now. Over lunch he finds himself telling stories of overseas work, and he's elated that when they part to go get ready for the evening, Kensi is smiling at him.

* * *

That night is Hetty's retirement party. It's an elegant, formal affair with speeches and toasts and expensive alcohol and he is unsurprised to see faces there of people who he would never rub shoulders with in real life. Hetty is, without a doubt, the star of the show. People gather around her all night, waiting to reminisce on an old story or adventure shared, but through the night she looks frequently at a table on the left where her fledglings are seating. Most of them have left the nest now, but they still belong together, she notes, watching as they laugh and relax into each other through the night.

-o-0-o-

They're all seated together at a large round table, his LA family and Kensi's new team. Deeks smiles politely as she introduces them all, one by one, as they are seated. All of her teammates are familiar with Nell and Eric already, and half of them know Sam, so she quickly introduces him to the other two and he introduces Michelle, and then it's Deeks' turn.

"This is Marty Deeks, he's…" She hesitates, unsure of what exactly to call Deeks now until Sam jumps in and save her.

"He was one of us back when this team still had _style_. Saved our butts almost as many times as he got them into trouble." The big man's grin is a teasing as he takes a gentle jab at both Deeks and the current OSP team.

"Still jealous, I see," Deeks retorts, stroking a hand over his blonde hair.

"Not likely." Sam rejoins, and people start to laugh and chat. Deeks observes the other team across the table as the conversation ebbs and flows around him; OSP 2.0 he dubs them in his head.

There are five of them with varying degrees of experience. Two seasoned agents with an air of old calm, like he always sensed in Sam. One who, though experienced, radiates energy like she can't wait to get moving again. The analyst is the youngest of them, bright and clever, and he looks at them all like he's calculating their strengths and weaknesses and likes and dislikes. He looks at Kensi like she hung the moon. In between there's an awkward young-ish man that seems out of place on this elite team. Kensi introduced him as Cam, the newest member of their team, partner to one of the calm ones, and Deeks wonders just what Hetty has up her sleeve for the unsuspecting man.

Kensi is stunning in a simple black dress that shifts softly around her as she moves, and black high heels. She still draws eyes from all over the room, young and old, and Deeks can't help but shift his chair a little bit closer to hers, possessively. He doesn't have any right to be possessive anymore, but before he has even thought about it he's sent a withering glare to the man closest to him. She doesn't seem to notice though, so he tamps down his reaction and tries to stifle the 'back off' vibes he can feel radiating from himself.

Dinner feels like coming home for Deeks. In the ten years he's been gone, he's never been this close to another team. He's made friends, worked well with them, but it's never been like this first group of people. This team, crafted and woven together artfully by Hetty, is still the group that feels most like he thinks a family would.

-o-0-o-

Hetty is held hostage by her numerous admirers through most of the evening as she makes her rounds from table to table, greeting all the guests. She takes the time to stop and join the loudest table in room and stays for longer than at the others, but she's pulled away again after a few minutes. She breaks free and slips up silently beside Kensi again, late in the evening, while Deeks is talking with Michelle Hanna on the other side of the room.

"I have many regrets, Miss Blye," she says quietly. "Some of them are things that I did that I wish I had not. But most of them, most of them are things I had the chance to do and never did." Folding her hands on the back of the chair in front of her, she finishes: "my deepest regrets are the things I was given the chance at many times and still let slip away." She is looking enigmatically into Kensi's face as she speaks, but to Kensi it feels like she might as well be staring pointedly across the room at the blond man carrying a drink her way.

* * *

At the end of the party Deeks finds Kensi again and pushes his luck.

"Still have that beer?"

She studies his face carefully and he realizes that she's been doing a lot of that this weekend, as if she's searching his mind and analyzing his motives. Whatever answer she finds must be satisfactory because she finally nods, "Sure."

When they make it back to her house, Cap doesn't bark once when he sees Deeks and Deeks feels like it's a small victory. The three of them take a trip around the block to give Cap a chance to do his business, and then Deeks finds himself on Kensi's couch, German Shepherd next to him with his head and front paws on his lap. That lasts only as long as it takes for Kensi to grab two beers out of the fridge and put a DVD in the player, then Cap switches ends and Deeks is left with his tail while Cap snuggles into his mistress's lap.

He can't help laughing when he hears the opening notes of "Hymn to the Sea" and watches people wave as the Titanic leaves port.

"Tastes haven't changed, I see. How many DVDs of this have you worn out now?"

"Shut up," she tells him.

He grins for the first half of the movie because it all feels so normal.

* * *

He's at her door again Sunday morning. His flight is scheduled for late afternoon, they've been ordered to the Hanna house for lunch, and they still haven't really gotten anywhere.

"Why are you here?" She asks bluntly as she finds him on her front steps once again. It sounds like she means right now, this morning, but they both know she's asking about this whole weekend, all the times he's shown up at her door and by her side.

"Because I didn't try hard enough last time." He says finally. "If I only get one second chance, I don't want to look back ten years from now and know that we missed it because I didn't try hard enough."

It's not the answer she's expecting, but it might be better.

She lets him in, and this time they don't go anywhere. She makes brunch and Deeks comments on her obviously improved cooking skills, which, she explains, are a result of having her mother around and part of her life again.

When they finish eating, she's the one that finally starts talking.

"Do you really think this is doing any good, Deeks? It's been so long, we've both changed, we live on different sides of the world. We've talked, seen each other again, maybe we should just go back to our own lives. Maybe it's better if we just let it be; what good can it do now?"

"I think you mean it would be easier, not better. I'm not interested in easy either, not now. I know I hurt you Kensi, and if nothing else, I want to try to not hurt you any more.

"I need you to know that I'm sorry, Kens. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about how I was feeling back then. I'm sorry I left without explaining. I'm sorry I didn't come back sooner to see you. You can't imagine how much I regret that now. No matter how convinced I was at the time that it was the right choice, I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to be one more person to leave you, and I did that anyway, and I'm sorry."

She paces a little bit and then flops down on the couch. "There's something I need to know." She trains her eyes on his and looks holds the contact unsteadily. "If I had opened the door that day, or if I had chased you down at the airport, or called you after you left, if I had asked you to stay, would you have?"

It's a question he's not sure he knows the answer to.

"Leaving you," he starts hesitantly, "was the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't know for sure that I can answer that question, because I'm not in that place anymore. I've had a lot of time to look back and second guess and wonder at how things could have been different. I was so sure I was making the right choice, Kensi, but as I left I was so afraid that if I saw you, if I touched you, if you asked, I wouldn't be strong enough to go. So, I guess there's no way of knowing," he hesitates before he finishes, wondering if this is one thing that is better left unsaid, "but no, I don't think I would have been able to leave if you had asked me to stay."

She can't quite hide the sheen of tears that well in her eyes as they stare at each other, both wondering how many opportunities they'd had that they had missed out of stubbornness and insecurity. Finally, she speaks:

"Then I'm sorry I didn't ask."

* * *

Lunch at the Hanna house is a riot. Eric and Nell are there with two little hellions they call children, and Kelsey Hanna, just weeks away from graduating from high school, spends most of the time being dragged around and decorated by them.

Deeks watches the commotion, fascinated by how much he's missed over the years. He's always liked kids, and this batch has a special place in his heart. He's seen pictures of them all for years, but this is the first he's ever met the Beale children, and Kelsey had still seemed so young the last time he'd seen her.

She's grown up now, accepted into college and preparing for graduation. She's got her mother's sass and her father's dry sense of humor and Deeks can see in her the characteristics of both parents and wonders at what she'll accomplish with all that Hanna fire inside her.

Four-year-old Liam Beale carefully explains to Deeks which kind of truck is his favorite and why, and Deeks tries to listen with the gravity that seems to be required. When he's done with that, he sprints off to try to climb up the outside of the stair banister until Eric catches him and deposits both feet on the floor again.

Three-year-old Ella comes dressed in a poufy pink tutu and jeweled hair clips and carrying a giraffe in one hand and in the other a pink light-up fairy godmother wand that Nell explains is favorite gift from her last birthday. Ella spends the first half hour running around and touching people with her wand and pressing the button that makes the tinkling sound that indicates magic is happening.

At first, it's "I turn you into a unicorn!" and "I turn your chair into a carriage!" but it soon progresses to a mischievous "I turn your face into a butt!" followed by a fit of giggles hidden behind a tiny hand.

Kelsey rolls her eyes, "you can tell _she_ has a brother."

Nell admonishes the little girl for her impoliteness, but the rest of the adults can't quite stifle their laughter and Nell's words fall on deaf ears as Ella realizes that she's the center of attention. From then on, every person's body parts are summarily turned into butts until Liam hauls her and Kelsey off outside to find the old swing set.

By the time they're finishing dinner at Sam's it's time for him to leave for the airport. He wishes he didn't have the rental car so that he would have an excuse to ask her to drive him to the airport, but instead he has to settle for asking her to walk him to his car. It's the moment of truth, and he's got to try set things in motion in the right direction.

"Kensi," he starts hesitantly, stopping to lean on his car, "if I were to request a transfer to the west coast, how would you feel about that?"

She stares at him a minute, unbelieving and unsure of how to answer his question.

"Honestly, Deeks," she starts, hesitates, "I don't even know right now."

He nods, defeated. He wants her to jump into his arms and tell him that she'd love it, but too much time has passed and despite their conversation this morning, many things are still left unsaid and misunderstood.

"Why?" She asks after another moment, "why do you want to come back after all this time?"

Her eyes are confused and hurt and still a little bit angry again, but he sees a tiny light of hope in them, and it makes him square his shoulders and speak the truth.

"Because the thought of being away from you anymore feels like something shriveling up and dying all over again, and I think it's my heart."

"And if you come back, what does that mean? What are we supposed to do then, pretend that nothing has happened and go back to where we were?"

"I don't know, Kens, because I don't know what you want anymore and I don't know if we can fix all this again, but I know that I want to try. I know we can't just go back. I know you don't trust me anymore. I don't know where we go from here, but I want to be here to figure it out with you.

There is a long silence, and then her face softens almost imperceptibly. Most people wouldn't have noticed the change, but he's spent the last three days studying her face, memorizing every nuance and cataloging every change the years have made. If she says no, if she doesn't want him to come back, he wants to have those details to add to his memory bank in case it's all he has to draw from for the years to come.

She considers saying no, telling him that it's just been too long and they're too late, but lunch with the Hannas and the Beales served as a poignant reminder of better days. Having what's left of their little family all together again, laughing and trading stories, was a beautiful thing. It starts to convince her that maybe the possibility of a better outcome was worth taking the chance on again. Callen's empty place and Hetty's regrets remind her how few chances they might have left. She takes a deep breath and leaps.

"This is your home, Deeks. Maybe it's time to come home."


	5. Chapter 5

"_here is the deepest secret nobody knows  
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud  
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows  
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)  
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart  
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)"_

_EE Cummings_

* * *

It takes only two weeks for him to find a position in LA and another two before he's approved for it. He suspects that Hetty still has her hand on some strings that she's pulling from afar. He takes vacation time to cut the two weeks he would have needed to stay in Rota down to one. He spends that week packing up the apartment in Spain, and the vacation week unpacking again in a little house on the beach in LA. The rent is exorbitant, but it was close to the ocean, and within walking distance of Kensi and it was available. The money has just been sitting there accumulating in his bank account, so he figures he might as well spend it on something he really wants.

She doesn't tell him, but she starts a countdown when he moves back, only she's counting up, waiting to see how long they last this time. They haven't said they're dating yet, but she's already waiting for it to fall apart. She's convinced herself to take the leap and give it a second chance, but she hasn't managed to convince herself yet that it's actually going to work out.

-o-0-o-

In month one, he's required at the new job so much to get oriented and up-to-speed that they don't really see each other much. They go to the beach on weekends when he can, and once she shows up at his apartment with takeout after he's had to work thirteen days straight. At least once a week he knocks on her door in the evening to take Cap for a walk with her. It takes time for them to find their groove, to get comfortable with each other and get to know one another all over again.

In essence, they are the same. She's still Kensi and he's still Deeks. She still rolls her eyes at him when he's an idiot and pretends to be tougher than she is, and he still uses humor to deflect attention and peppers his conversation with innuendo. But they've had a long time to grow and mature and get more stubborn and set in their ways. He has to work at getting her to open up to him again, and she has to work past his deep-seated insecurities and his fear that he's going to let her down again. Their communication skills haven't improved much, and for the first weeks it's easier not to tackle the deep things, but to learn to be friends again before they consider going any further.

She's a little in awe of having her best friend back. He had been that before anything else, and she'd felt the loss of her best friend almost as keenly as the breaking of her heart when he'd left. She'd felt herself growing hard again after he'd left. She had known she was closing up and limiting her friendships. It'd been Cap that had opened her up again—him, plus Nell's persistent refusal to be locked out of her life. Cap's need and affection and devotion and Nell's determined friendship have saved her over the years, but she's missed Deeks more than she's ever been willing to admit. The loneliness of the last decade hasn't just been the loneliness of the loss of the man she loved, but also of the loss of her best friend, and there have been days when she's missed his friendship even more than the warmth of his arms.

He has the same effect on her now as he always did—he lightens her burdens and makes her smile and forces her to see life through less cynical lenses. Her teammates look at her a little bit sideways when she laughs at one of their jokes one day, and she realizes that they've rarely heard that sound from her. She revels in all of it, loves the feeling of freedom it brings even as she is hesitant to trust it again.

* * *

They both take a week off in the middle of month two for them dive into the past ten years and figure out where they really stand and what they want. They spend it talking and arguing and crying a little bit. They push ahead and back off, then they come together again and push forward some more. They're both stubborn, but they know that this week is going to make or break their second chance so they keep coming back, keep slogging through until they finally feel like everything is out in the open. They're just as stubborn as they used to be, but they're more determined now, more willing to set aside their own emotions in order to get through to the resolution. It's the least "fun" vacation that she's had since she found out the truth about her father, but in the end it's the most worthwhile.

The last night before they go back to work, they take Cap for a long walk down to the beach and along the edge of the surf. Halfway down the beach, she moves Cap's leash to her outside hand and hesitantly slips the now-empty one into his for just a second and then drops it back again. His hand follows hers and snatches it back, lacing his fingers between hers and holding on for dear life.

When they arrive back at her house, his hand in hers tugs her to a stop at the top of the steps and his other hand finds her jaw line and his fingertips slide into her hair. When his lips tenderly find hers for the first time since his return, it's then that he finally feels like he has actually come home.

The night is cool and the warmth of his arms is so foreign and yet so familiar. Her body presses closer to his as she returns his kiss, and she realizes, perhaps for the first time, that they could actually make it. They might actually be able to do this. The possibilities that suddenly seem open to them are almost overwhelming, and she finds herself smiling into his lips as hope bubbles in her chest.

A sound that is a cross between a whine and an exasperated groan that ends in a huff breaks them apart. Cap is looking through them from the top of his eyes as he lies on the porch floor and rolls his eyes back and forth between them and the door. Her smile is almost shy as she pulls slowly away and opens the door, and he swears he sees a little bit of pink in her cheeks.

Cap gives him one last lick on the hand before dashing through the door, and Kensi's soft _goodnight _carries him down the driveway.

He grins like an idiot the entire walk back to his house.

-o-0-o-

After that week, they cautiously declare themselves a couple again, eleven years after he kissed her on the hillside that first time. Things get lighter for them then—after the past is dealt with they can start to see the future again.

* * *

The first day of month three, she finally tells her mother that he's back and Julia invites them to dinner the next week. When Julia opens the door and looks at him, he has to fight the urge to shrink back behind Kensi and hang his head in fear and regret. He can't help but be grateful that Kensi sticks close to him most of the evening, but at some point she has use the bathroom and he ends up alone with Julia, looking into her blazing eyes.

"What are you doing here, Mr. Deeks?"

He doesn't think she's ever called him _Mr. Deeks_ before, and it's slightly terrifying. It reminds him of Hetty and the intimidating stare that had often accompanied it. It's a solid reminder that this is the mother of the woman he loves, the woman he's hurt. He knows enough to be cautious of a mother's protective instincts.

"I'm setting things right."

"Kensi has been hurt enough. She has been through more than enough without you coming back to break her heart again just so that you can feel better about yourself."

"I know, Julia," he pleads, forcing himself to meet her eyes, "I didn't come back to feel better about myself. I didn't come back to break her heart again. I left then because I was sure at the time that it would be better for her if she found someone else. Kensi and I have never been… easy."

He does his best to convey the depth of his commitment to Kensi's well-being, but he's not sure she quite understands.

"And yet you came back. You weren't here Mr. Deeks. You don't know what she went through. She wouldn't ever talk about it, but I had to watch her go through it on her own, and I don't want to do it again."

He doesn't know what to say to that—he can't find an answer that makes it sound okay because there isn't one, so he remains silent.

"I liked you from the beginning, did you know that? Of all the people that Kensi worked with, I could tell that you cared for her and that you were important to her and you made her laugh. And I thought that you could be the one that finally didn't let her down like all the rest of us did. And then I discovered I was wrong. Do you know how I discovered that you were gone, Mr. Deeks?"

He mutely shakes his head.

"At first she stopped mentioning you and I thought perhaps you were away on assignment for a while. And then I was at her house one day and I realized that all the pictures of you were gone, every single one that had you in it. And I asked her how you were and all she said was 'he's gone.' That's all. She never spoke of you again. I never heard your name again. I kept thinking you'd come back, that it must have been some kind of misunderstanding or secret mission, but you never did and she eventually started to laugh again without you. She was finally okay without you. Perhaps, Mr. Deeks, you should have stayed gone."

"I can't undo what I did Julia. I'm sorry for all of it, but I can't change it. I left and I stayed gone and I thought she was better off without me. But I came back because I realized that I might have been wrong, and if I was wrong, I wanted to fix it. I came back because every day without Kensi feels wrong to me, and I hoped that she might still feel the same way."

"And she does," comes a welcome voice from behind him.

"I appreciate that you want to take care of me, Mom, but he's right. We've both been stupid for a long time. We've both been wrong for long enough. Maybe it's time to give _right_ a second chance. Maybe I was okay without him, but maybe I'm still hoping for something better than just _okay._"

Julia nods and he sees a softening in her eyes as she looks at Kensi looking at Deeks. She is gracious, if hesitant, the rest of the afternoon and watches their interaction closely. She catches him again as Kensi is gathering Cap's things as they prepare to leave:

"You will not hurt my daughter again, Mr. Deeks. Her father may not be here, but I was the wife of a marine, and I am the mother of a federal agent, and I will not watch you hurt her again."

He's stood in front of terrorists and drug lords and not been this nervous, but at the same time, he's glad. He's glad she has her mother back in her life, glad she has people like Nell and Julia who will fight for her happiness, even if they think they're fighting against him.

"I won't, Julia. Not because I'm afraid of you—even though I am, a little bit—but because I'd rather die than hurt her again. If it's in my power to make her happy, I'm going to do it."

She finally nods and, to his surprise, opens her arms to hug him. It's been a long time since he felt a mother's embrace and there is forgiveness in this one that touches him deep in his heart. His voice is breaks a little as he whispers "I'm sorry" again to her.

She squeezes him lightly before letting go:

"Then prove it."

He nods. "I will. I promise I will."

-o-0-o-

He catches Kensi as they reach the car and draws her to him, tucking her head into his chest and resting his chin on the top of her head, arms wrapped securely around her.

"I'm sorry," he says again. "I forgot that there were more people affected by all this than just us."

She nods into his chest and then looks up.

"Scared you bad, didn't she?" she teases, and he knows he's forgiven, once again.

"She's terrifying! Did you see the way she looked at me? I thought she was going to strangle me the moment you left the room!"

Kensi is laughing as they pull out of the driveway.

* * *

In month four, he tells her loves her for the first time. Even ten years ago neither of them had actually said those words, though it had been true back then. He knows that he never stopped loving her, but they've had to work hard to get to the point where he feels like he can finally tell her.

He thinks he meant to plan something romantic, make her a nice dinner or take her somewhere special or buy her a box of Twinkies, at least, but he doesn't. They're watching the sunset on the beach, she's sitting in front of him in sweats and a tank top, her back to his chest. He's got one arm tight around her waist and the other is throwing sticks for Cap. She's laughing as Cap discovers a seashell in the sand and paws at it until it shoots out behind him and then whirls in search of it again. It's a game he never seems to tire of.

She's laughing and the warm golden light of the sunset is on her face and he's holding her in his arms, pressing an occasional kiss to her shoulder, and it just bubbles out of him. He brings his lips close to her ear and whispers it as she laughs.

"I love you."

She stills in his arms and turns so that she's sitting sideways in his lap. Her eyes are wide and dark in the fading light and he laughs a little and repeats it just because it feels so good to finally say it.

"I love you."

Her kiss is quick and hard and almost bowls him over backwards. Her hands cup his face as their lips meet and he curls his arms around her again as he kisses her back enthusiastically. She's smiling widely when they pull back, and her words are the most incredible thing he's ever heard.

"I love you, too."

Shivers run through him as she says it and there is nothing he can do but pull her close and kiss her again. They're both smiling and it's a strange way to kiss with both of their lips refusing to stop turning up at the corners, but it's the best kind of strange.

After a minute, something collides with his shoulder and this time it actually does bowl them over. The impact is followed by a wet tongue, and they're both giggling as they open their eyes and find Cap there, sandy paws planted on Deeks' chest, licking their faces enthusiastically.

Deeks reaches up to wrestle the dog to the ground and lays there in the sand with Kensi on one side and Cap on the other:

"Yeah, yeah. I love you, too, mutt. But I have to say, I like your mommy's kisses better."

-o-0-o-

She keeps counting up, but it no longer feels like she's waiting for them to fall apart. Now, it feels more like she's tallying the days they have together to count against the years they've missed.

* * *

_A/N: Still one more chapter to go. I had intended for this to be the last one, but it just kept getting longer and taking too long to finish, so it needed to be split up before it exploded. I'm still figuring out exactly how to finish this well, which is the hardest part of the writing process for me, but I expect to have it done in the next couple of days. _

_I'm so thankful for all of you who have reviewed this story. Thanks so much for the encouragement and insight. You give me great motivation to get each new chapter finished and out. _


	6. Chapter 6

_"You are the start of my journeys and always my destination. You are my home - the place to which I always return."_

_-Jonathan Lockwood Huie_

* * *

In month five, they have a colossal fight.

At least, it seems colossal in the moment.

The years apart have made him _clingy_ and she's just not used to spending so much time with people. She's always been independent and she's spent the majority of the last ten years alone, so adjusting to suddenly having someone around so much eventually starts to wear on her.

Add to that the fact her mom's been making "don't worry about it" trips to the doctor for the last three weeks, and one of her agents is under IA investigation for discharging his weapon in a public place "unnecessarily." After they question her about it one day she gets the distinct impression that they just need to make an example of someone. Coming home that night, she just wants to be alone and she explodes at Deeks when he shows up at the door with supplies for dinner and a movie in his hand.

She yells and he gets confused. Confusion puts him on the defensive and his response just makes her yell some more. She calls him clingy and smothering and probably some other things she doesn't really mean and his replies get shorter as the minutes tick by. Cap whines and pushes between them, trying either to protect them from each other or end the arguing, she's not sure which.

When she's out of words, she ends with "I just need some space, Deeks. Can we do that? I just...need some space."

"Okay." He nods. He tries to kiss her forehead as he leaves but Kensi turns away and then watches the color drain from his face as he turns to go.

On his way out, he pulls the chocolate bar and the quart of ice cream from of the grocery bag and leaves them on the table for her and she instantly feels guilty.

Cap whines as Deeks shuts the door behind him. To Cap, Deeks means play time and table scraps and belly rubs, and the fact that he's just left without paying him any attention at all seems to devastate the big dog.

She lasts all of half an hour before she follows him out. He's not at his house when she knocks, but she's not surprised to find him at the beach in the spot where they usually sit to have their dinner or throw sticks for Cap.

She knows he hears her coming up behind him, but he doesn't turn to look. She threads her fingers through his hair as she sits beside him, still silent as he stares out at the slowly crashing waves and she finishes sorting her thoughts. In the end, he's the one that speaks first

"I'm sorry—I really don't mean to smother you... I just... when we're apart sometimes I start to think that you're going to realize that you're really happier without me, and that you don't really want this after all. I know what it's like to be without you, Kensi, and I don't want to go back to that again."

Kensi understands then that turning away from his kiss earlier had been paramount to confirming that she didn't want him anymore, which is so far from the truth that it's ridiculous.

"I don't either. And I'm sorry for yelling at you. It's just... it's been a stressful few weeks, and... you… you're more of a people person than I am, Deeks. I've spent so long alone, I've just gotten used to it, and I guess I'm still adjusting to not being alone all the time. I'm pretty good at being alone; I'm used to dealing with things by myself. I'm just not so good at being with someone. I want to be with you, but there are still going to be times when I need some alone time."

He nods, blows a lungful of air out through pursed lips, still staring at the blue waves as they rolls in, but glancing at her out of the corner of his eyes: "okay. I can do that."

"You still want dinner?" She asks hesitantly. She still feels the need for time to sort things out on her own, but she knows that 'space' is a word that probably triggers some panic in him and she wants reassure him.

"No, you go ahead. Take a bubble bath, eat your ice cream, watch Titanic. I'm going to stay here for a while and then meet Ellis for a drink."

"Okay. Tell Ellis I said hi."

Ellis is one of his new co-workers and the one he's most likely to call a friend. She worked with him on a handful of cases before Deeks' return and has met him several times since and liked him. He's steady, level-headed, thinks outside the box. She forgets sometimes that even though LA is Deeks' first home, he's still uprooted his entire life to come back for her and this is an adjustment period for him, too. The people here that he still calls friends are at different places in their lives now, with spouses and kids and in-laws and mortgages to worry about and without as much free time or as much in common with a middle-aged bachelor. She's glad he and Ellis have hit it off, makes a mental note to invite him out with them some night soon.

Kensi kisses him on the cheek as she rises. When she turns back to her house she doesn't feel like everything is quite settled, but she doesn't feel like dealing with it at the moment either.

-o-0-o-

When two evenings pass without him showing up at her door or asking about doing something after work, she gets antsy. She's only had two of his customary twelve texts per day and she's shocked at how much she _misses _him. The third day brings three text messages but still no plans, and when evening rolls around and there's no Deeks at the door as she puts off thinking about supper after work, she figures out that "space" is definitely _not_ actually what she needs.

Cap is looking at the door almost as frequently as she is, and by six thirty she gives up. She piles Cap in the car, detours to their favorite Thai place for takeout, and then knocks on his door.

His house is _sparkling, _and she can feel the tension almost radiating off of him.

"You've been cleaning?"

"Uh, yeah. I guess I skipped spring cleaning because I'd just moved in and it wasn't that dirty yet, so... belated spring cleaning time I guess. Autumn cleaning? You'd be amazed at how much dust can accumulate in just a few months. I've only been here like five months and already there was this colony of dust bunnies under my bed that was like..."

He trails off as Kensi reaches out and takes his hand.

"Is this your idea of space?"

"I told myself I would wait until tomorrow and then see if you wanted dinner."

"Guess I beat you." Smiling, she holds out the bag of takeout for his inspection.

"Can we come in?" she asks, nodding to the dog at her side who is looking expectantly up at Deeks with a squeaky toy in his mouth. He whines around the toy when he hears his name and turns to look through the door.

Cap re-investigates Deeks' house and sniffs all the new cleanser smells while they settle on the couch and unpack dinner, shoulder to shoulder. When they've taken their first few bites, she starts:

"We've been apart for three full days, and you know what I've realized?"

He looks like he's not sure he really wants to know the answer, but he asks anyway, his gaze glancing off her face and then bouncing around the room:

"What?"

"I don't like space. It's been three days and I _missed _you. I'm not saying there won't be times when I to want to be by myself for a while, but I want to learn to figure things out _with _you rather than just always doing it on my own. The last couple weeks have been stressful, and I'm used to decompressing from things like that by myself, but maybe it's time for that to change."

The tension visibly melts out of Deeks, and he presses a lingering kiss to her temple.

"You're sure?"

She sinks into his side and curls close to him.

"Of course I'm sure. I love you, remember? I love to be with you. I love that you're home, with me, again. I don't mean to take that for granted, and I want you to know that. If there are times when I really need some time to myself, I'll try to be better about just letting you know that before I blow up. "

She's rarely the one to say _I love you_ first and it brings that wide, bright smile that she loves to his face. His eyes crinkle at the corners and his head tilts back and a little to the right and his whole face softens. She hasn't seen that smile since the beach four nights ago, and she loves to be the reason it appears.

"I know you're different than me, Kensi. Obviously," he smirks at her. "And I should have thought about all that before but…" He trails off, trying to find a way to explain how he feels here. "When I left, I was in New York for three and a half years, and since then, I've never been in a place more than two years. All that bouncing around—it makes you crave some stability. Places and homes and co-workers just keep coming and going. You're the only thing that's felt _permanent _to me in a long time, and I guess I just… I've been missing that permanence for so long that I latch on to it where I can find it. I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm here to stay this time."

It's almost a strange thought to Deeks after all this time, the idea that there's not another move coming just around the corner, that maybe his co-workers will be around long enough to become friends, that his relationship with Kensi isn't going to disappear into the mist when they're apart. LA was his home for thirty years, but coming back to it has been harder than he thought it would be.

Deeks drifts off in his thoughts for a few minutes, absently picking at his food as he floats. When he finally comes back to earth his smile is tender.

"What's got you stressed lately? Anything you want to talk about?"

"I'm worried about Mom," Kensi admits, laying her head on his shoulder. "She keeps going to the doctor and she won't tell me what it's about, like it might be something serious but she doesn't know how to tell me or doesn't want me to worry. And now IA wants to make an example of Cam when he didn't do anything wrong and I can't afford to lose him when he and Marquez are just starting to really work together well."

The hand on her back starts to rub gently up and down, "what can I do?" He loves that she's sharing with him, but he's got no control over these particular issues, and it makes him feel a little bit helpless.

"I don't know. Just put up with me a little while longer?" The burden already feels lighter just for speaking it out loud, even if nothing has changed about the situation.

"How about a lot longer?"

Kensi pulls away just enough to smile at him and drop a kiss on his lips.

"I could handle that."

* * *

In month six, they're laying on the couch one night, her back tucked into his chest and his left hand combing through the soft strands of her hair when he starts speaking quietly as the closing credits of a movie they've been watching scroll over a view of the New York skyline.

"The first couple years in New York, I had these dreams all the time. You'd show up on some case or in some seminar. Sometimes you'd be there and it'd be just like we were before, happy and joking and laughing and I'd wake up wanting you so bad that I actually got sick a couple times when I realized it had all been a dream. Other times, you'd bring a boyfriend or a husband with you, and you'd be happy and he'd be perfect for you, and I'd just want to curl up and die because as long as I didn't KNOW you loved someone else then there was always a chance that you could still be mine again, but when I met him in the dream, I always knew it was over."

His arms tighten around her until it's almost difficult to breathe, but it's as if holding her is what reminds him that those dreams aren't his reality anymore; she doesn't mind.

"There was never anybody else." He knows that by now, but she tells him anyway, soothing a hand over his arms around her. "Sometimes, after you left, I'd meet someone and think I should try, but I could never make myself really do it. I think I went on four dates the first three years you were gone, and after that I just didn't bother much anymore. I let my mom and Nell and Sam set me up a few times so they wouldn't worry about me so much and they were nice, but they were just never... you."

She turns in his arms and rests her face in the crook of her neck while he buries his face in her hair. She fists her hands in his shirt and presses into him as they let the warmth of their bodies and the sound of their heartbeats erase the remnants of those lonely years.

* * *

In month seven, he finds an old picture in the back of a bottom drawer in the kitchen while he's searching for a pastry blender she doesn't even know if she has. He's never seen it before and it's a little bit beautiful and a little bit heartbreaking.

When he stills and goes silent, Kensi peeks over his shoulder and finds him staring at it. It's wrinkled and battered with age, pressed further back into the drawer every time another item was thrown in.

"Nell packed and unpacked the kitchen when I moved. She must have found it in there and packed it and moved it along with the other things in the drawer. Want to guess how many times I've used that drawer since then?"

"I'm going to guess that since you didn't know what a pastry blender looked like or if you owned one—which you do, by the way—the answer is not many."

"Probably about five times—mostly right after Christmases when Mom bought me kitchen utensils that I didn't know how to use. That's probably where the pastry blender came from," she says, indicating the item in his hand. "She's still thinks that because she managed to teach me the basics that she's going to work a miracle and turn me into a gourmet chef, so she keeps buying me these things that seem completely useless to me." Deeks recognizes a meat mallet, a candy thermometer, a garlic press, and a julienner in the top of drawer, along with several other things he isn't familiar with, and makes a mental note to remember where the garlic press is for future use.

"And none of that explains why there is a picture of us in the drawer of useless utensils in the first place."

Kensi reluctantly tells him the story of that first anniversary, the copious amounts of alcohol, Nell's note, and her stubborn refusal to consider it.

"It kind of haunted me in there for a while. I couldn't forget it was there, but I couldn't bring myself to do anything with it either. Then I moved, and I guess I figured it would have got lost in the move, because I never saw it again."

"But sneaky Nell found it in the drawer and moved it along with everything else, thinking you'd find it and have to think about it again."

"Sneaky Nell overestimated how much I use my kitchen."

"Well, I'm thankful for her trying anyway." He grins down at her and takes her hand.

"That day, we were right in then middle of one of the biggest cases of the year. I dreamt that you got engaged to Mr. What's-his-name, and then I woke up at like four am and couldn't go back to sleep, so I went for a run, which probably wasn't the smartest thing to do at four a.m. in my neighborhood, now that I think about it. I got a call at five thirty that we had a big break on the case, and I was so glad for the distraction that I even beat my boss into work. Everything fell together that morning, and by supper time all we had left was the paperwork and I convinced one of my co-workers to let me do his after I finished mine. It was right close to his anniversary, so he thought I was being nice so he could go home and take his wife out, but really I just didn't want to go home and have to think about anything. So, I did both our paperwork, took Monty for a walk so long that he just about had a heart attack, and then bought a case of beer and went home and found some channel playing Top Model re-runs and got a _leeeetle _bit drunk."

When he turns to her, his face is wearing the same expression that the younger version of him sports in the photo, but she promises herself that there's no way she looks as smitten as her younger self.

-o-0-o-

Deeks frames the photo and she rolls her eyes at him. It's scratched and wrinkled and _why on earth does he want a reminder of that time? _He takes her by the shoulders and stands her in front of its new place of honor on the wall. His words answer her silent question.

"It's a little bit battered, but it made it, Kens. It survived and it's still beautiful."

She knows he's not just talking about the picture.

* * *

_A/N: This was supposed to be the last chapter-it's not. Still ONE more to go. I got writing and even though the basics of the last chapter were there already, it still exploded as I filled it out. So, one more to go. It's mostly written, just needs finishing up. _

_I'd love to hear what you think! _


	7. Chapter 7

"_And we're dancing in the minefields_

_We're sailing in the storms_

_And it's harder than we dreamed_

_But I believe that's what the promise is for."_

_Andrew Peterson, "Dancing in the Minefields"_

* * *

In month eight, he takes her back to the run-down Spanish Mission that is deserted for real now. He has to break in and it's dusty and there are gang tags and mouse droppings and cobwebs everywhere, but he leads her by the hand through the mess to where his desk had once stood and then takes both her hands in his.

"This is the spot where I let my fear overrule my heart and made the first of the mistakes that ended up costing us ten years, and this is spot where I want to fix that mistake once and for all."

When he kneels on the dusty floor in front of her and pulls a little blue box from his pocket, Kensi's eyes widen in shock.

"What are you doing?"

"What I should have done a decade ago. Kens, we spent nine years apart, and every day I'd wake up hoping that it was going to get easier to be away from you, and it never did. I'm still so in love with you that I can't see straight or think straight, except to know that I don't ever want to be away from you again. I'm going to make stupid choices sometimes and I'm going do things you don't understand, but I want to do it by your side from now on. I want to make a life with you, forever. Marry me?"

All the fear and the hurt and the anger of those nine years try to come rushing back as she looks at him down on his knee in front of her, and for a moment panic starts to set in. But, she reminds herself, he's the one who came back. He's the one who has pushed and fought for them and spent the last months saying exactly what he means. He's the one she's wanted this with for what seems like forever, even when she refused to acknowledge it.

She knows she has a choice then: she can give in and let the fear and the hurt have another ten years of her life, or she can choose to move past them and reclaim the future she thought had been lost. In the end, it's not a hard decision to make, but it's still a little hard to take that step of faith. She takes it anyway because, when it comes down to it, she trusts this man. She trusts his heart, even if she doesn't always understand his choices. And she loves this man—loves him in a way that transcends the years and the fear.

Her thought process takes a tad too long and she can see the anxiety building in his eyes as he wonders if it's too soon—or too late—or if this is just not something she wants with him after all.

She kicks the fear in the teeth and reaches down to brush her right hand across his cheek and into the hair at his temple.

Smiling softly, she holds out her left hand for him.

"Yes. Yes, I will marry you."

* * *

In month nine, she buys a wedding dress.

It's an awkward experience.

There are three other brides there, all who look like college co-eds half her age who have brought entourages of attendants and family. Most of the dresses are styled for people twenty years younger than she is, and she wants to leave as soon as they arrive.

One of the salon attendants, though, drags her to a more secluded set of dressing rooms and Julia and Nell talk her into at least trying on a few.

She'd tried to talk Deeks out of having a wedding at all—she'd have been happy to fly to Vegas or schedule an appointment at the office of the justice of the peace- but that hadn't flown.

-o-0-o-

_"We're old, Deeks" She'd argued. "Big weddings are for twenty-year-old girls who think love is all flowers and hearts and Valentines days. We don't need all that."_

_"Hear me out here, Kensi," he pleads. "I'm not talking about a huge fancy extravaganza. I'm talking about a day that's just about us. About you and me and our friends taking the time to celebrate together. It doesn't have to be a huge white wedding, I just want to celebrate how far we've come and have a nice picture to put on the mantle to remind us of it. I want to watch the most beautiful woman in the world walk down the aisle toward me. It's been a long journey, it deserves a milestone to mark the day."_

_Kensi thinks he's also a little leery of upsetting her mother again, and Julia would probably not be a fan of the elopement idea._

_She sees the appeal in it, though: dressing up; seeing the look on his face as she walks down the aisle; curling into the warmth of his arms for their first dance as husband and wife; having a chance to celebrate with the people who have rooted for them and helped them get here. It's not that she has anything against the idea of a wedding, she just doesn't want a stressful day that takes a year to plan. _

_As she warms up to the idea, though, she has one suggestion of her own:_

_"Deeks?" His name sounds like a question, and then she plows on ahead before he can reply: _

_"I want to get married on the day you left."_

_He cocks his head and furrows his eyebrows. _

_"That doesn't really seem like a day to celebrate, Kens."_

_"Exactly." _

_She can tell he's confused. His squinted eyes are rolling back as if he's try to read her mind on the back of his eyelids and his head quirks to one side. He's actually trying to figure out if this is her way of talking him out of the whole wedding idea altogether, but it's not._

_"Think about it—that day's never been great for either of us, right? All it has is hard memories. I don't want to spend the rest of our lives with that day as a shadow over us. I want to... redeem it, I guess, to buy it back from the hurt and make it into something beautiful. That date's always going to carry memories with it, right? Let's turn them into good ones."_

_She laughs at herself because she sounds like him, and she sounds like a _girl_ and she surprises herself with how much she actually wants this. _

"_You realize that's only like a month and a half away, right? Unless you're thinking of next year, which would be fourteen months, and I'd really rather not wait another fourteen months to marry you."_

"_No. This year. I don't want an elaborate wedding. I don't want to spend months stressing over floral arrangements and seating charts. Just you and me and our friends. A wedding on the beach and a barbecue. We don't need a year to plan, I just want to marry you; let's just do it."_

_So they do._

-o-0-o-

Two weeks later she ends up in a bridal salon with Nell and Julia and a dozen giggling college students and their teary mothers. Julia is still moving carefully after having gall bladder surgery a few weeks before, but she's got enough energy back to drive Kensi crazy with plans and ideas and suggestions. Kensi's happy enough to give her charge of most of the details of the ceremony and the mini reception and leave it to her. Kensi's eyes glass over when Julia starts talking themes and arrangements and menus. She tries to fit the word "simple" into their conversations as many times as humanly possible, but Julia's idea of simple seems just a _little_ more elaborate than Kensi's.

The first salon attendant calls her a "non-traditional bride," which annoys Kensi because clearly she's just trying to avoid mentioning her age, like Kensi is unaware of it. Why can't people just be straightforward and say what they mean? She's just had a very quiet fortieth birthday party, and while she doesn't look or feel forty, she's grumpy enough already that she's touchy about the allusion to her age as if it were something to be ashamed of.

They have a short conversation about what she's looking for so the attendant can go make some selections. It's short because Kensi's answer to almost every question is "I don't know."

Fifteen years ago, she'd had very specific ideas of what she wanted for a wedding dress, but styles have changed and her body has changed and ultimately _she_ has changed. The woman she is now has not had any reason to pay attention to wedding dresses for a long time.

The attendant eventually comes back with an armload, but she's so perky and enthusiastic that it drives Kensi crazy, and the more she gushes over each consecutive dress the more Kensi is determined against them.

Finally, four dresses in, the girl's supervisor rescues them and sends her over to a group of newly arrived gigglers and takes over for Kensi herself.

She's calm and graying and she sets Kensi back at ease as she disposes of the rest of the selection that Bridal Barbie had brought in.

"Tell me about your fiancée and your wedding plans, Kensi."

She sits them down on the bench with Julia and Nell and waits for the story.

"He's... His name is Martin." It seems like an odd place to start because she's quite sure she's never actually called him _Martin_. But then, she almost never calls him Marty either, and telling the bridal lady that his name is Deeks will probably require too much explanation.

"He..."

She has no idea where to go from there. Summing up who Deeks is and what their relationship has been over the course of the last fifteen years in a few sentences seems like an impossible task. In the end, there's only one thing that seems to capture the essence of everything that she knows about Deeks.

"He loves me."

Three smiles go soft and Julia eyes get watery for the hundredth time in the last month.

"He really loves me. He's in law enforcement and he's a surfer and he loves the ocean, and he's a little bit... quirky. He has blue eyes and he's loyal and persistent and annoying and he's the kindest man I know." Once she gets started it just rolls off her tongue in unrelated chunks of information, but the grandmotherly woman just smiles sweetly and encourages her to continue.

"It's been a long journey, but we made it. I didn't even want to do the whole wedding thing, but he wanted a day to celebrate us and how far we've come. We're getting married on the beach, because he loves the water, and it's going to be really small and simple and kind of informal."

They walk through a few more very specific questions about the dress and ceremony, which Kensi realizes she does actually know the answers to. No, preferably no train. Yes, straps. No ballgowns or mermaids or tulle. No veil. Fabrics are negotiable. She blushes when she tells the lady that her wedding colors are blue to match his eyes.

The head of graying hair disappears into the sea of white dresses, and when she reappears, she's carrying only three options.

"You know there are a lot more choices than this if you don't like these, but I've seen a lot of brides in my time, and I've gotten pretty good at guessing what they're looking for. I think you're going to find what you're looking for here."

She does.

She doesn't get teary, and she doesn't suddenly feel like a princess, but she feels comfortable and feminine and beautiful, and she feels like herself. There's also a distinct possibility that Deeks is going to keel over when he sees her in it.

It's simple, un-embellished ivory lace, floor-length but trainless, and v-necked in both the front and back. The cut is slender and the fabric is lightweight, flowing out just slightly towards her feet where it swirls gently as she turns. It's timeless.

Julia cries in earnest when she appears in it, and Nell just bites her lips and nods _yes._

-o-0-o-

The grandmotherly attendant rests a hand on her arm as she leaves:

"Sometimes the longest journeys lead to the most beautiful destinations. I have a feeling you and Martin are headed somewhere pretty special."

For the first time that day, Kensi feels tears come to her eyes. They've already made it to somewhere pretty beautiful, and it's only getting better.

She has a dress.

They're getting married.

* * *

In month ten, Deeks makes a long-overdue call to Ray Martindale. He's freer now, most of his old enemies both in and out of prison have long since killed each other off, but he has a life and kids in school in Oregon and he has never come back to LA. Deeks has spoken with him more and more frequently over the years; it's only been two years since Ray finally quit asking about Wikipedia, and Deeks hasn't talked to him since his move home.

"Marty! Hey! How's it goin', man?"

They chat and laugh for a few minutes, catch up on the news from Ray's family before Deeks clears his throat:

"Actually, Ray, I was calling with a wedding invitation."

There is shocked silence on the other end of the line, then:

"You getting married?! Congratulations, man! Who's the lucky lady?"

Deeks clears his throat again:

"Well, you did make me promise to call when..."

"Wikipedia? You're marrying Wikipedia? Ten years, man it's been ten years you've been telling me to quit harping on that. I knew you were slow, but man, ten years, Marty?"

"It's… to say it's a long story would be an understatement." He's never told Ray the whole story, really, only told him that they had tried but now Wikipedia was out of the picture. That hadn't stopped Ray from prodding every time they had contact for eight years before finally leaving his friend in peace.

"Jeesh, man. I guess it is. You owe me that story. You know you do."

In man-speak, the story really isn't all that long. Kensi's listening from the other side of the room and laughing inwardly at the bare-bones account that seems to satisfy both men. In the time it takes them to cover the whole story, she figures she would have had time to tell a girlfriend the background information leading up to Deeks' departure. It sounds to her like Ray asks a sum total of three questions and then the matter is settled and all they have left to discuss is date and time and travel plans.

Deeks is watching her from the corner of his eyes as he says goodbye, and she has to smile at the end of the conversation.

"Yeah, yeah, don't gloat. I guess you were right. There's definitely a _thing._"

* * *

It's the end of month eleven when she walks down a narrow strip of sand that runs between a couple dozen white chairs on the beach near their houses.

It's the first time in a decade that she's looked forward to this date.

She told Nell to pick any blue dress she wanted and then left her in charge of finding a blue shirt for Ray in the same color. Deeks' shirt is a few shades lighter blue, sleeves rolled to the elbow and open at the collar, pants the color of the sand, and he's waiting for her at the end of that strip of sand.

The three of them are lined up at the end of the aisle, standing against backdrop of the ocean, one on each side of Deeks with an empty space next to him that she will fill. The chairs on either side are filled with their small collection of family and friends: the Hannas, the Beales, the Martindales, Julia and Hetty and Nate and a few others. Interspersed among them is a smattering of childhood and college friends. A few other former co-workers, Cam and Marquez and the rest of the OSP 2.0 team, Ellis and his wife and a couple of Deeks' other co-workers round out the group that sits in the sunshine as she makes her walk down to him.

His eyes glow and his smile beams as she moves slowly down the aisle. He rocks a little forward as if he's holding back from coming down the aisle to meet her and she's pretty sure she's not imagining the tears in his eyes. Cap sits in front of him, oblivious to what is going on, aware only that they are at the beach and sitting still instead of playing.

When she finally makes it down to them, Deeks takes her hands and from then on everything else disappears. She knows Sam reads a poem because that's what they had planned, but when she looks back on it, all she remembers is looking into his smiling eyes and the feel of his hands warm around hers and the contrast of the cool band of gold as he slides it on her finger.

Deeks, by contrast, is sharply aware of every moment, every touch, and every word that moves them one step closer to forever and one giant leap further away from the past. She's stunningly beautiful, and a part of him wonders if this might still be a dream that he's going to wake from in an empty apartment in Spain. But it's not, and the grip of her hands holds him to the present as he speaks a new set of promises to her:

"Every day with you is one I wish I could live over again, and every day without you is one I wish I could forget. My promise to you today is to live every day from now on by your side, in sickness and in health, when it's easy and when it's hard, to cherish you and to be faithful to you, to laugh with you and to hold you when you cry, to protect you and care for you whether you need it or not. I am so lucky to be living a love story with my best friend, and I promise to cherish every step of that journey with you. Today, I take you to be my wife," he breaks off and the grin splits his face again and he has to wrestle it under control in order to be able to speak again, "and I promise that from this day forward, I will spend the rest of my life by your side, loving you the best that I can with all that I am, until death do us part."

-o-0-o-

She never gets to month twelve. Instead, they start the count all over again with month number one of forever.

* * *

"_My true-love hath my heart, and I have his,_

_By just exchange one for the other given:_

_I hold his dear, and mine he cannot miss;_

_There never was a bargain better driven._

_His heart in me keeps me and him in one,_

_My heart in him his thoughts and senses guides;_

_He loves my heart for once it was his own;_

_I cherish his because in me it bides._

_His heart his wound received from my sight;_

_My heart was wounded with his wounded heart;_

_For as from me on him his hurt did light,_

_So still methought in me his hurt did smart:_

_Both equal hurt, in this change sought our bliss,_

_My true love hath my heart and I have his."_

"_My True Love Hath My Heart" by Sir John Philip Sidney_

* * *

_A/N: And there it is! This is really, truly, finally, the end. I know there is much more that could be included here, but my Creative Writing professor in college used to refuse to give us page requirements for pieces because she wanted us to "write until you have said what you need to say—not more, not less." This story has said what it needed to say, and so have I._

_Some of you have commented asking me to include a Densi baby in concluding this fic; somehow the most recent fics I've written have all ended with babies, but this story isn't going that far—I'm running low on "finding-out-we're-pregnant" ideas right now. Feel free to imagine how you think it'd happen and let me know._

_If you're in need of a Densi baby fic, or just a Densi fic in general, you can check out my other stories "If Asked" and "Of Cigars and Celebrations." If you skip chapter two of Cigars and Celebrations you could imagine that it's the next step of this story. :)_

_As a writer I love feedback of any kind. I'd love to hear if there were parts of this story that you struggled with or didn't understand or didn't ring true to you, or if there was something you particularly liked._

_Thanks for reading and thanks a million to all of you who have reviewed and sent me feedback._


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